Here we are again. I don’t often look at my own blog, but when I do, I’m always amazed about my journey of the past several years. I came to Dallas from NYC at the very, very beginning of 2006. I had no plans. No real hopes, no dreams. I just wanted out. Out of the city. I just wanted the world to stop for a day. A week. Just enough time to take a vacation from heartbreak, from destitution, from frustrated ambition. I was financially broke but I knew one thing: I had to turn everything around and I had to do it quick.
I initially came under the auspices of a young woman. Our relationship was forced not the least by the breakneck speed with which I abandoned the East Coast and all my experiences there. I had recently ended a relationship with another woman – not wholly convinced it was the right thing to do. That led to a need to talk, to tell. Unfortunately, my patron wasn’t interested. And who can blame her? I had just been like an astronaut, shot to heaven and fallen to earth. I felt few could understand my reality. Our relationship ended bitterly about a year later. I still harbor feelings of regret and guilt. She didn’t deserve my neurosis. I was far too immature to contemplate it’s effects on people around me.
Fast forward to November of 2011 when I married my beautiful wife, Holly. We live in a modest home in East Dallas. We are as under the economic hammer as anyone is these days. We still manage to find the good times now and then. I am now a 41 year old man. A man. I remember when I was first referred to as a man. How strange it seemed at the time. I was 20 years old. Two decades later and I can attest that many of the feelings I have are no more advanced than when I was 20. I hope I have learned some form of patience. I feel confident in my powers of observation. And still, I search for that spark that illuminates the best lives. How to be good? How to be real. How to be honest. How to be loving. It’s a struggle to find some meaning. Some get it from religion, some from family. It’s all about transcending yourself. Expanding your consciousness yet finding a way to incorporate it all into your physical existence.
Music is one of those things that transcends mere existence. We can attest to its power by noting the various themes and compositions that have survived the ages. Handed down from earlier generations, music still speaks to us. Why is it that The Beatles have endured such tremendous popularity over the years? Surely a great marketing campaign and yet there’s more. I have often spoken of my feelings about finding spirituality thru music and I stand by that assertion. When I listen, it is my church. It is my mass it is my ritual. Music can communicate without saying a word and it something I return to regularly. It helps me find my bearings and gives me comfort. Whether listening to Bach or Thelonious Monk or something even more venal, I gather strength thru the sounds and soundtrack to my life’s journey.